“There is a strong chance that siblings who turn out well were hassled by the same parents.” Robert Brault

“The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.” Benjamin Spock

The word punishment seems severe; little ones participate in uncooperative behavior — not crimes. In the context of this blog punishment is defined as anything   after a child behaves in a certain way that decreases the frequency of that behavior.  Used carelessly parents sometimes punish desirable behavior.

Be quite clear that punishment is not dependant on pain either physical or psychological, only that it helps to decrease the behavior. The only concern is does it decrease frequency over time.

Parents often say: We tried everything and nothing works. In fact, they may have tried several things, but none for long enough to give it a fair try. So as you try to change your interactions carefully look at behavior change over time.  Parents come back after the short time of a week or two and declare behavior has not improved. They sometimes have quit the effort saying “It did not help.”

Consider that it might have helped but they did not have the ability to identify the small changes.

Example: Your baseline count of obey and disobey for the week was 10 obey and 60 disobey. You add clear commands and praise to working with your child. Week 2 the count goes to 12 and 58. Did the behavior improve or was it just a random variation?

Week 3 the count is 14 and 56; then 16 and 54. At this point, you might realize that behavior slowly improved. Maybe you wonder if change will continue through week 20? Looking at the same rate of change, it could increase to 50 obey and 20 disobey. That would certainly be noticeable and noticeable is the point.

Remember it’s often the small, incremental steps of improving behavior that parents must look at. If there’s no behavior tracking, in a meaningful way, incremental progress will often go unnoticed and parents will say “nothing works.”

Yes — parenting is tough. Sticking with it patiently, for longer lengths of time, is often the hardest piece. Do you want to give up after a week or two because you did not notice
those incremental improvements? Or maybe you thought incorrectly the change was random? If parents say they’ve “tried everything,” that typically indicates they’ve tried lots of similar efforts for brief periods of time, often less than a day or two.

As parents — be in it for the long haul. Keep in mind the “noticeable effects” and the small changes. In your mind celebrate every success, know your steadiness will help your child
continue better actions; realize it will be worth your patience and efforts.

Parenting can be thankless when it comes to punishment. Do kids ever say after punishment “thank you very much for the wisdom you gave to me and the reminder you
love me?”  Frequently the response is glaring and stomping!  Bear in mind, providing each consequence is best done from your foundation of love and wanting the best for your children. You are not after a thank you.

Discipline and behavior change are the outcomes you want. Ultimately you want your kids to effectively monitor themselves. Kids 2-12 want your attention — don’t forget this. The
underlying idea of punishment is to minimize your attention.

The punishment highlighted today is Reprimand. Use it to:

1. Start a behavior now.
2. Stop a behavior now.
3. When a rule is broken.
4. After a Tell Don’t Ask has not worked.

It is Tell Don’t Ask, done more firmly. Kids want attention; the REPRIMAND is designed to be as brief, yet  as effective and meaningful, as possible.

Practice REPRIMAND using the following communication skills:

1. Move close — within 3 feet.
2. Look at your child in the eyes.
3. Use disapproving facial  expression.
4. Voice is firm — but low intensity, not mean spirited.
5. Nonverbal gesture of  disapproval — crossed arms or pointing a finger.
6. Do it now — as soon as  your child disobeys or something needs done.
7. As with  — Tell Don’t Ask, be specific.
8. Wait! See if  the child cooperates. It’s interesting that children may say something like “you cannot make me” and at the same time cooperate. Pay
   attention to the cooperative behavior, not the words.

The sequence:

1. Tell Don’t Ask. Wait 30  to 90 seconds. You pick a consistent time frame.
2. If they do not start, do REPRIMAND. Wait 30 to 90 seconds
3. Whenever your child  cooperates, praise.
4. If they don’t cooperate,  you will need Time Out.

That will be next week: next step — Time Out

“I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.” Charles M Schwab
“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.”  Jesse Lair

How often do you, as an adult, feel good after receiving a small amount of praise, such as good job? How often do you use encouragement or praise with your child? My experience is many parents say they do this with high frequency but, in fact, do not.

This week you’ll learn about social reinforcement or more simply praise. Punishment will be reviewed next week.

In Parenting Sessions, the encouragement was paramount. It was a fun session and consistently influenced at least one family in a dramatic way by the next week.  At the end of class, I routinely predicted that by the next week someone would have dramatic change; it usually happened.

Social Learning Theory notes that behavior is influenced by the consequences of that behavior.  If something pleasant results from our behavior we are more likely to do it again. The positive behavior was reinforced. Thus reinforcers increase how often something happens.

For kids — there are all the encouragers we know, such as special food, staying up late, money, watching a particular TV show or time on the computer. The specifics differ for each child. Still in general, we know that parental attention is ultimately what’s most important for kids 2-12.

It is as if kids wake up with “I need to get my attention quota today;” if they do not get the attention for good behavior they will proceed to act out making sure that they get their quota. In fact, for some kids, the attempt to punish with attention (often in the form of long explanations, lectures) actually encourages inappropriate behavior; kids, after all, primarily want the attention.

Praise — how and when to use it! Praise is encouraging, supportive; these encouragers are a vital part of parenting.  Examples in using praise for kids:  going to bed on time, nice table manners, obeying, hanging  up clothes, brushing teeth, saying please, starting homework, continuing homework, picking up objects on the floor, talking or even disagreeing in a pleasant tone of voice, sharing, playing quietly, playing cooperatively — anything that is done in an agreeable manner.

Encouragers actively identify what to do and encouragement for doing it. It is in contrast to punishment which only addresses what to stop doing.

Praise has distinct advantages.

1. Cost is free — no stars, nothing to buy
2. Attention is handy — a parent always has attention with them.
3. Positive Interaction — models desired behavior. Parents would come the next week and emotionally tell of now believing their children loved them. Or talk of their children praising them, Barbie or the dog.
4. Self Confidence Improves — praise works wonders. Isn’t that how we all grow more confident when people we love appreciate something we do?
5. Relationships Improve — who do we most often like? Generally it is people that say nice things to us. Then we look for their abilities, creating a positive cycle of interaction.

How often do you praise? As kids constantly get trophies for participation, you might wonder if it’s overdone.  It is hard to overdo.  Overdoing praise is rarely a part of ongoing problems. Let your child know about appreciation of honest effort and, of course, success. Do not over praise in the sense of saying you are the smartest or, the best. They generally know who is the smartest or the best; give more realistic and believable praise; it is more effective.

Small Steps: Don’t expect too much too soon. Know that for a first timer doing the dishes it is a many faceted job. Start with put the dirty dishes in the sink, follow with praise. Step two add soap and warm water; again follow by praise for good effort and successful completion. Add steps as needed. Success for your child, a step at a time is your goal.

As we did role plays, parents would try praise phrases like “thanks for finally doing what I told you to;” or “it is about time.” They might use a grumpy voice or shout from the other side of the room. At one level, praise seems simple; as with any new skill, practice is helpful to create ability.

So practice and follow these guidelines:

1. Move close — within 3 feet
2. Look your child in the eyes
3. Smile
4. Use a pleasant tone of voice
5. Praise behavior, not the child. Good job putting your toys away not good boy.
6. Touch — bump fists, hug, pat on the back. There is strong evidence that kids like pleasant touch.
7. Do it now — praise immediately when positive behavior takes place. Don’t wait until the child begins something else.

Using these skills will make your communication more meaningful; help with exactly what you want when your kids are cooperating. The intimacy of this pleasant contact influenced the dramatic and rapid changes that occurred for some parents.

Remember: Start with Tell – Don’t Ask , then when cooperation happens, praise!

Do you wonder, “what about when the command and praise do not work?” Concentrate on the praise this week.

Next week: discussion of punishment

Bill